Tuesday, March 15, 2005
:: ROCKING MY CRADLE ::
May mga bagay bagay sa mundo na hindi ko maintindihan. May mga bagay na tama naman ngunit gusto kong ibahin at guluhin. May mga bagay na hindi ako makontento na tanggapin na tama. May mga bagay na 'tamang-duda'.
I don't have a perfect world yet I have a happy, fun-filled, and loving one. I am a self-declared control freak. Though I am not an OC like my friends who are soooo obsessive-compulsive on the 'small stuff' to the point weirdness. Yet I am a bigger freak who's OC on the bigger stuff. Like emotions and living my life. I hate it when something is not right. I hate it when there's sadness and imbalance. I hate it when things don't go the way I expect and envision them. I get pissed when people act the opposite of what I expect them to do. I go berserk when something doesn't fall into place. I hate worries yet I worry too much. I hate analyzing stuff yet I analyze all aspect and movements around me. I hate the visible world that manifest the bad invisible world in my head. I would rather that things go wrong rather than going through a limbo, uncertainty and the agony of thinking. I am a person who understands but refused to because of raging selfish feelings.
And more than anything else, I am such a demanding, assuming biatch who expect to be treated like a royal highness...always. I think that I should be the rule and not the exception. Aww, I am such a terrible person. :(
But I am also a person who cares too much. I am a person who gives love deeply. I am a person who can make people smile at their saddest moment. I am an ego-feeder who gives compliments and kind words to anyone who deserves it. I am someone who cherishes every moment that take my breath away. I am a people-pleaser. I am an optimist who always has a silver lining. I am someone who always does an 'extra mile'. I am a person who thinks that waiting and being patient about something is a noble thing. I am someone who forgives and forget easily.
Lastly, I am someone who would rather take the blame and be unhappy just to keep someone from being hurt.
Things are not good lately. I know that there's a lot that people are going through and I am not a priority at the moment. I know that I am being a burden. I know I'm being too demanding and expectant. I know that nothing seem to please me these days. I know it's crazy to deal with me lately.
I pray for calm, inner peace and understanding.
Can you find it in your heart to understand & just love me?
I hope I am not asking too much.
IN LOVING & HURTING
A close guy friend texted me last week and asked to meet him at Greenbelt. This guy friend needed someone to talk with (and cry with) because he just broke up with his longtime girlfriend. We had dinner together last Friday with our three other friends to discuss his 'current state'. We care a lot for this friend of ours since (unlike 3/4 of the male population) he's very much in tune with his emotions and he also loves his girlfriend dearly. But, despite the love, devotion and loyalty, there are really just some things that are not meant to be. It was a sad experience and a hurting parting of ways. Years of being together truly doesn't guarantee a happy ending. I learned a lot from our 'discussion' despite the fact that we were the ones who were listening and giving out advices. I also got a text from him this evening that I want to share with you. It caught me off-guard and made me think. I don't even know what he meant. It goes like this: Abs, right now sarili ko na lang muna iniisip ko. Wag na, tama na, sobrang sakit eh. Alam mo naman kailangan natin masaktan para ma-realize ang mga dapat iwasan. Ang tanong eh, nasasaktan ka na ba? Whoa! Deep! So, does he mean that we have to hurt to truly realize things? Do we have to hurt so we can move on and live? Do we have to hurt in order to truly love? It's such a rhetorical statement and it truly made me sit and think.