Monday, October 24, 2005
:: CURVE BALLS ::
"Can you feel Christmas already?"
That was probably the simplest question that was thrown to me where I was lost for an answer. Add to the fact that it was from somebody whom I did not expect to ask me that otherwise unimportant question. After pausing for a while, I answered with a shake of my head without looking at his eyes. Honestly and undramatically speaking, I haven't been noticing YET the pre-Christmas festivities and holiday preparations. With so many things to do at work, events to go to, bids to attend to, slides to prepare, roads to be driven, I really don't have the luxury to take second notice on my surroundings - especially of things that I really DON'T want to be aware of.
Work became the welcome distraction and sole diversion to the dilemma of the very recent saga of my life --- and it's actually very effective. The guy who broke my heart the baddest asked me weeks ago "how I've been" and I replied that I am very busy with work yet I am enjoying every minute of it --- which HONESTLY is not a lie. I really DO love it and the satisfaction and challenge it brings. A huge deal of my current state can also be attributed to my office friends - most especially to Marge and John - who are both truly God-sent. They came into my life at the VERY RIGHT moment. We have already accumulated so many adventures/misadventures and memories in the very short history we had. It includes endless coffee and drinks at Friday's and Starbucks Madrigal, a dealer party in La Union, slumber party in Mimosa, Saturday shopping expeditions, and even late nights at the office while they wait for me finish some mega-event preparation for our brand (which is very often).
Christmas (NOT Valentine's) and broken hearts doesn't go well together.
Christmas this year will surely be a sad (and fat) affair. Who would want to be alone on those cold, romantic December nights anyway? How can one fight the very good memories of Christmas 2004 and those lovely watches? I cannot help but have bitter feelings on those mushy-lovey-dovey couples that cannot get enough of each other at Corte De Las Palmas while they snuggle on their Springfield cardigans. Hmph! Would I rather be cuddly with someone than be alone come Christmas? NAH! I would rather be alone if it's not with him. See??! It's still him! I still cannot get over it. I still cannot accept the sad fact that we are no longer together. I am so bitter, bitter, bitter lately. There was the hurting, then the sadness, and now the cold-hearted bitterness. I took baby steps weeks back in moving on and I believed that I somehow succeeded. There were good days when he's on the FIFTH of my thoughts after I wake up (yeah I do keep track and the first four thoughts were work-related). There was also a new day when I suddenly stopped "counting" the days of the last text, the day we've last seen each other and the days where we are no longer "we". See? I was great weeks ago.
Then there was a giant leap backwards and it's back to square one again. It was also that big leap that prompted me to right the profound one-letter-love-poem above. Regrets??? NAH! Nothing at all! It was just so weird and a bit confusing.
For all it's worth, I believe within me that he's still the one for me. I know it because I've felt it. Eto na YON eh! I used to have several premature declarations before that he's the one I'll end up with - and the funny thing is - I still feel it. A friend asked me last Saturday: "I remember last year when you first met Mark and you said that it's a way, way, way different feeling. You even said that this might be IT. That he might be the one. Is it still true this time?". Here's my classic answer: "Yeah I still believe that. But even if I dare say that this is IT and this is the ONE, fate has a very weird way of twisting the things and events of our lives - so no thanks to fate for messing it up".
I pray and hope that there is still a greater feeling of love for me out there. I wish that I would still be able to give a deeper and more solid feeling for someone whom I would really end up with. Because if HE is indeed my one great love and fate will not stupidly cooperate and give --- then it would be a life full of disastrous "what might have beens" for me. That would be helluva insufferable.
I rest my case.