Wednesday, March 22, 2006

RETRIEVING ONE'S HEART

At the exact same time tomorrow I'll be in Baguio...alone. I'll be taking the night bus to do some advance PR work for our event this weekend on the 2nd Sum-Vac Trans Show at Baguio Convention Center and the month-long Goodyear Roadshow up north. I am actually looking forward to the solo trip to somehow break the routine, contemplate and reflect, and do a little bit of rest if I can. Binch was kind enough to offer me a ride to the bus station after our Makati meeting tomorrow evening.

Many blogs ago, I wrote something profound on leaving my heart in Baguio.
I remember being in very high-drama when I wrote that piece in November of 2004. And why? Because Baguio used to be a land of promise to me attributed to that special someone. Sadly, what I want then did not materialize.

I had a very terrible first 2 quarters of year 2004. I moved from Makati to Sta. Rosa, made enemies with some dear friends at Honda Club, resigned from my comfort and security zone, and met an awful freak accident that resulted to two minor surgeries . I was at the point of giving up but decided, of course, to to move on. One of the very first things I did was accept a then 'comfortable choice' career offer at this company's Marketing Department. It was such a blah, blah, blah, thankless work. I was back on Jobstreet searching for new leads on my 2nd day work. It was such stressful work and I find most of the Marketing programs pointless and unecessary - making it more stressing. The only bright spot on my day-to-day existence at the office was this funny, smart guy who got a new kick-ass XDA II from the nearby department. Being the gadget-slave that I was - we initially blended and connected by borrowing each other's cellphone, playing with our camera phones, trading pictures, and sending SMS. To make the long story short, that officemate slowly became more than a friend. All the work stress and projects became light and easy with his mere presence. Breakfasts were opportunities to talk about likes and dislikes, lunches were spent with office friends and their non-stop teasing, dinner dates were memorable ones capped with the long route from Cabuyao to Makati just to make sure that I am safe and sound. Weekends were also days to look forward to. There were out of town trips to Batangas, stolen head kisses that were momentous, dinner and movie dates at Rockwell, and even relaxing afternoons at The Spa. To say that he brought life back to my life was an understatement. Everything seemed wonderful, beautiful, and true then. The giddy feeling I had in those early days was totally incomparable until this very day.

Then here comes Baguio.

I admit that I fell to soon. I expected too much. I risked my otherwise kept feelings. It was one of those rare moments in my life when I decided to forget about pride, risked and fell freely with my used-to-be cynical heart. Nothing was ever the same after our Baguio trip. The world fell after Baguio. Gone are the giddy days of a young love. It was replaced by a more serious out take and views on love and life - which caught me totally off-guard, unprepared and defenseless. Forever became so hard to reach after Baguio. It was the awakening. The turning point of to be or not to be. It had the early warning signs which I ignored that led me to where I am today.

Flashback to October 2004:
All the people from our department were invited to Baguio but me and Aimee (we were the two new girls then) for the Halloween/All Saint's Day Weekend. Plans were already circulating through the e-mails and we were out of the loop. An oblivious officemate asked me my plans without knowing that I was not invited. I got furious and sad at the same time - since they were planning to stay at my special guy's place in Baguio and I was not invited. My guy got wind of what happened and got mad at his designated organizer for not inviting the most important person in his life then. Withstanding all ongoing plans, he invited me instead and discouraged everyone from the office from joining. So we went to the Summer Capital for four days - together with his four college friends. I was so excited and happy prior to the trip. I had all of these thoughts and longing of us being finally together. Of us being the "we" and not just the "you and me". It almost happened but it never happened. Baguio and the promise "bingo" to friends never happened. Along with it were unleashing of baggages, sad stories of the past, and realizations that giddiness doesn't necessarily leads to forever. We both expected too much and we both turned into great disappointments. On the car on our way back to Manila, I told him that maybe my goal in his life is just to open his heart once more to love EVEN if that love is not necessarily for me. Thanks to my great mind for saying and thinking that. Thus I truly felt that I lost my heart in Baguio.

A lot happened between that Baguio trip of 2004 and my upcoming Baguio trip tomorrow. We developed a huge deal of attraction, care for each other, and the best romantic relationship one could ever imagine. Most of our times together were happy ones though I must admit that a lot of my solo moments were full of anxiety, undecisiveness, worries for the future, and of "what might have beens". Sadly, we decided to end that romantic chapter of our lives two Fridays ago. I am not happy about it and I am often bitter about it. I admit that I am still a bit far from fully accepting things and there's still a part of me that still hopes. There were still nights when I couldn't sleep but I can generally say that I am coping well and in the process of moving on and letting go.

So, is it time to retrieve my lost heart in Baguio? Let's see.

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