Wednesday, February 16, 2005

February 16 is THE awakening. The beginning of the 'difference' in our lives. The start of a new day...

My last day at Carrier was last Monday.

I've been wallowing since because I will not be with Mark 8-10 hours a day/five days a week. I've been broken since Friday of last week after we heard 'the news'. It pains me a lot. I felt that I lost something SO big (and it's not about the job I am talking about).

Come Tuesday, my first day of bumming, I got an SMS from him asking me to meet him at ATC after office. Whoa! Withrawal syndrome as early as now? It was still a tear-jerking night for the two of us.

Wednesday was better since he stayed home. We both stayed home. We were both on a standstill while the world around us moved.

Thursday gave him truckloads of work that prompted him to stay so late at the office. I went out with a bunch of friends to unwind, unload and forget what happened.

Friday was my 'unofficial' last day. I took my last paycheck and had the last remaining hours at my second-home for the last five months. We both went home happy because of the glorious weekend ahead of us.

Saturday & Sunday were truly divine and sweet days at Planet Dive in Anilao.

Come Valentine's, there was the usual SMS and tweetums. No big-deal. No big flowers. No big dates. It was mutual and we both agreed on the set-up.

Tuesday was his big birthday. We spent it with his closest friends at Rockwell. Two friends bravely asked me the inevitable. One good advice: "Be EVER patient. Take it from us. We've known him for years yet there are still times when we feel that we don't know him. He's a very different person. He's very deep." I am now an officially part of the circle (sort of) and they welcomed me with open arms (and open mind). They know that I AM the source of his happiness YET most of them are also aware that there's still a missing piece between us.

We had a pretty long argument on my expensive gift after the dinner and on the way home. There were even compromises of 'rewards & punishments'.

Tomorrow is a NEW DAY. It's our first reality check. Vacation is over. It's time to go back to the hell-hole without me. It's time to go back to the routine and regular ways. It's time to face the music without me.

I hope that it will be an awakening for him...
I hope that it will be an eye-opener for him...
I hope that it will be a realization for him...

...that I can actually move on, let go and live my life.
...that I can actually stand up and go forth.
...that I can actually leave him.

It's time for a paradigm shift. Please?

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