Monday, December 03, 2007

It's two hours away before I prepare for work and I have two options. Either to take a 2-hour power nap or make a blog post. I obviously chose the latter.

Seeing is believing that's the theme for this post. Very appropriate for what I saw last night accidentally at Friendster.

I saw a picture of my ex with his new girlfriend.

By EX I mean THE ex, as in the last one, as in my OGL, as in the one who broke my heart the baddest, as in the subject of a year’s worth of post on this blog, as in Mark.

The good thing is I am actually cool and okay about it. Really. And I am not writing this just to convince myself. I envisioned this moment months ago and I was expecting that I will be hurt beyond measure and will cry uncontrollably. Well, I am unexpectedly calm and okay when I saw it. Either I don’t care anymore or I’ve already moved on big time. Both are great possibilities.

The bad thing is I am still blogging about it. What for, right? I actually don’t know. All I know is that I am probably not giving myself enough credit for what I achieved in my moving on process. I know that I am already this close to achieving inner peace. I am actually happy for myself because I am back to being happy. I am now out of the rut. I even know that I am somehow ready to take the plunge again sans baggages. I used to feel for a very very long time that I was trapped in a black hole of despair. It was THAT bad. Brokenhearts are truly nasty and sadness is even worse.

I actually asked if seeing their picture is a sign. Is it a sign from God telling me that I am actually and completely over him? I truly believe that God will not make us experience things that we are not ready for. I often pray for these things. I always pray to him to not give me crap that I cannot handle. So is this a sign that I have already and gracefully moved on? I hope so and I am so excited to find out!

I called my friend Tin almost after I saw their picture. She asked if I am crying and I said no. What for? I told her that "ours" was ages ago. It was actually one of the realizations that hit me when I saw it. I realized that he and I happened eons ago and the feeling of hurt should have long expired by now. Yeah, it might be a bit recent for me considering the painful things I went through but in reality it was already a year and a half ago. It's actually funny because its been a while since I last bothered to analyze my feelings so I am surprised at the recent events and my unexpected reaction.

My ex is an expert in ruining special occasions for me. One of our pseudo break-ups happened the day after my 27th birthday, our biggest fight was in one of our Decembers and...I learned that he already got a new girlfriend minutes after I turned 29 years old (which was just last August). He called, we did some catching up, and it was mentioned in the conversation. I was surprised but he fortunately did not tell me who she was. But of course (being me) I had an inkling who she was and I confirmed that hunch last night. It may be part of the reason why I am so calm on seeing them together because I was not surprised that it's her. I actually know her and she knows me. We've met before when Mark and I were still together and she was still with somebody else.

Of course I am but human to feel a tinge (take note: a TINGE) of hurt. Seeing something like this belongs to another level no matter how grounded someone is. After all the last girl I've seen with Mark in that way was ME.

But at the end of the day I know that SEEING something like this will help me more than hurt me because I BELIEVE that this is a new ball game and it's the renewed me who saw it.

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  1. when i answered the phone and heard your voice... i knew something not "lovely" happened. funny thing was, i knew it has something to do with the heart. hehe.

    anyway, i like the renewed abbie more . :)

  2. Thanks for listening to me and for the chat. It is always a matter of the heart. Pero pansin mo it's getting fewer and fewer lately? :) Either we're happy or we've given up.

    I like the renewed Abbie, too. She's richer! Haha! Kidding.

  3. sabi nga daw nila... you will know the wound if its fresh pa... kung buhusan mo nang alcohol ^^


  4. wow. ako rin parang walang kapatawaran for me yung he'll ruin a very special occasion. walang consideration.

    good for you that you're over and done with this man & the relationship. hurray for abbie! ;)

  5. Chette - nice analogy! thanks, thanks!

    Pao - thanks for the kind words. I really hope that this is it! i hope that this is the end of the battle.

  6. obviously u still havent gotten over him, but let time heal all your wounds.

  7. Hi, Anonymous! Thanks for posting. :)

  8. Enjoyed reading your blog specially this topic. :) Merry Christmas.

    Elmar M. Gomez

  9. Thanks, Elmar! :) Happy Holidays, too! I wonder how you stumbled upon my blog.


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