Monday, April 25, 2005

"We can't have the happiness of yesterday without the pain of today."

I have to blog about this sooner or later. I have to let this out one of these days. I was hesitant before because writing it makes it so real. Writing and telling about it ends the dream-like existence I am in and I'm sure that I am still not ready to go the next level.

Most of you know about my great romantic story (and all the heartaches and confusions) with Mark. I've been yakking and blogging about it since September last year. It was my best documented "love story" ever. You were witness of the giddiness of the first few texts and dates; of the memorable heartaches of Baguio and his relationship issues; of the happiness, joy and warmth of holiday December; of our colorful vacations and out of towns; and so many things in between.

Sadly, the fairy tale ended. We decided to part ways. The inevitable happened four Saturdays ago - on Black Saturday.

If there's only passion and commitment that's infatuation.
If there's only passion and romance that's romantic love.
If there's only romance and commitment that is friendship.
So, it takes three essential elements for TRUE LOVE.

We never actually settled things between us and never actually took the plunge. It was a loving and romantic relationship with no definite commitment but full of dedication and exclusivity. The reason for the "break-up" was actually that. The fact that "there is always something missing and lacking". We cannot fully open our feelings and we always have our best foot forward whenever we deal with each other. It lacks comfortability and trust. We always over analyze things. We were so obsessed with the idea of togetherness, the future, and working things it did NOT. It was a relationship full of sparks and chemistry but with the absence of comfortability. I asked millions of things and reasons what went wrong. What I did wrong? I blamed myself for being so dependent and demanding. I have so many regrets. I have so many questions. I was a basket case for days. I cry my heart out and was helpless for weeks. Mark eventually came through. He reassured me with a hug that it was not me but him. He was the one with issues. He was the confused one. The whole world knows this. The entire universe knows his lack of eagerness to commit and to try and make things work with me. But at the end of the day...I know it IS still me...and the fact that I am NOT the one. I know that he did try. I know that he have baggages and tried to rise above it...but it's NOT JUST ME. I just have to accept the cold-heart truth that he doesn't love me enough, he doesn't want me, and he doesn't need me.

Letting go of someone doesn't necessarily mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free (in the real sense of it), but it is also setting yourself free from all animosity, revulsion, and resentment that was long kept in your heart. You have to let go because the bitterness often puts away the strengths and weakens the littlest hope, making our lives more miserable than ever. Worst, presenting yourself as the "most affected one" sets the nastiest impression of all time--whatta a loser!

The process of letting go, moving on and getting "the us" out of my system is difficult. It's one of the hardest things that I have to go through. I cannot even do it properly. We cannot even do it ideally. We did everything haphazardly and in haste. Even the "break-up" talks were fast and over in a week. Then things went from fast to slow. I admit that it seemed that I am the one on the weaker ground so I agreed to "the process". My ideal letting go/moving on "system" is to shut everything about the other person, wallow silently, and live my life alone. I prefer the one-time-big-time thing but he proposed another. We both admitted that we still want the other in our lives (literally speaking). We still want the friendship (without "benefits" this time) to continue since it was so effin' happy and great. So we are letting go s-l-o-w-l-y and we are kindda doing it together. Weird, huh? There are still texts and talks, lots of howareyous, long phone conversations, and occasional hanging out with friends. It's so friggin' hard! There were days when I am good and coping but there were still days of never-ending anxiety and agony. There were times when I've already accepted the situation but I must admit that I still have lingering hope that things will fall into place in the future.

There were days when I move a step forward but I often find myself two step backwards days after.

It's been a month since our parting of ways. My friends knew about it (they are actually getting too tired about it) and I'm sure that Mark already mentioned it to a couple of his friends. But I know for a fact that my former officemates and our common friends doesn’t have a clue on what's happening. Some have hunches but we are neither denying nor confirming. It pains me when they ask me stuff about it. It hurts when people still assume that we are still together and they make future stag party and bridal shower plans for us. Ugh!

I am so hurting. I am in so much pain. The crying already ceased but I am still lonely and sad. Sometimes the faith and hope of "the future us" is the only thing that can keeps me going through the day. I know that I am left with no choice but to move on and let go. Mark told me that letting go is our main goal despite the fact that we are still communicating. Yeah, talk about euthanasia, huh? Relationships should die natural deaths. This is not supposed to be the way it should happen. He said that it's easier to get back together but it's harder to move on and let go. I usually don't initiate the talks and texts. I also told him not to communicate unless he truly wanted to. I don't want him to make it easy for me so he will do things that will give me temporary happiness. There were days without even a mere text but there were also days when he have his "needy calls" (read: he's SO lonely & longing and I am the only one who can ease his ill feelings), his "insecure calls" (read: I am NOT communicating so he have to make sure he's still a part of my life and I haven't moved on yet. Grr!) and texts of "you light up my day!". Geeez, one thing I learned..."missing you" is different from "i made a mistake, let's get back together!” THIS is what I have to put up with lately. This is also the reason why I am still hesitant to let go. I am so powerless over the love I am feeling. I am so consumed with the loving-longing-lonely feeling.

We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. You really don't have to forget someone you love. What we need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for what we have become.

I know the right thing to do. I know that I must move on and forget him. I know that I have to accept reality and live my life the way I wanted it to be. But I can't for the meantime. I know and I am very much aware that he's the jerk who took me and the great love I have for granted. I know that I don't deserve the treatment he gave me. But I still want to be on THIS state and I don't want to fastrack whatever I am having right now. I want to hate him it but I can't. I still want to wallow and somehow 'savor' what is left of him. Friends keeps on telling me to go out, develop other interests, date & meet people, and stay away from things that will just torment and remind me of him. But I can't and I still don't want to. There are random guys out there who are willing and able but I just can't (even for diversion purposes). I even became a Class A bitch who ignore e-mails and texts and I even rudely cancel calls to some people. (Though I am sometimes guilty of the boomerang effect. Whatever.)

“Of course, I think the worst thing about this major life renovation is adjusting to being a single unit once again. Movies without a shoulder to melt on, dates that alarm rather that titillate, places around the city that have come to bear a whole new different meaning since your last romance from the memories gained and just the times of the day that you once considered 'us' time."
~ Celine R. Lopez, "One on One", From Coffee to Cocktails
The Philippine Star, August 22, 2003

For my sanity's sake, I am truly grateful of the new job that is upon me. I pray and hope that it will aid me and somehow keep my mind off him and the thing we had. I know that we must both learn to survive without the other so we can possibly get back together in the future. Even if I am so messed-up with our loss relationship, I know for a fact that "that relationship" was way sadder and messier when it was upon us. The only repair that can be done is to part ways. When a computer hangs & crashes and ctrl+alt+del cannot restore it, the only thing that you can do is push the restart button and somehow hope that it doesn't hang again. But you also have the option to shut it down properly after the restart or (as a friend suggested) change the program altogether. Working things out is not possible at this point. It's not even an option. The situation MAY BE (or it may not be) better a month from now, six months from now, a year from now...but definitely NOT now. Letting go and moving on is indeed the key. Weird but true.

Letting go and moving on is my only option at this point and I pray for strength to endure every roller-coaster emotions that I will feel along the way. Damn it.

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