Sunday, July 23, 2006

While you were not looking...I learned a lot.
While you were not looking...I went from north to south.
While you were not looking...the rain stopped and the sun came up.

As I write this, I'm supposed to be on my way home from Baguio. But as they say, everything happens for a reason and my Baguio trip (together with my former officemates) truly DID NOT happen for a reason - and I am actually acknowledging that fact. I yearned for the trip for two weeks. We were supposed to go last weekend but was postponed for this weekend because of the landslides brought by a recent typhoon. I got a call from a dear friend the night before we were supposed to leave and told me that it was canceled due to so many factors. I was so disappointed and even pleaded, begged, got mad, and used every persuasion skill in my book that we still go with our plans. Sadly, we still did not. I was pissed. Majorly pissed. I want that trip SO badly. I planned it to be my weekend away from reality. My weekend escape from everything. My escape from home, my escape from toxic friends, my escape from the maddening responsibilities at work. I need that break so much. I want to clear my head and rest; and I believe that Baguio is just the oh-so perfect place to do just that. I struggled and burdened myself with truckloads of work for days in anticipation for the great weekend reward that is Baguio. So, you can imagine how pissed I really am when it was freakin' canceled. But as I've said...everything happens for a reason.

While you were not looking...Friday became an all-time low . Friday morning brought me thousands of muscle pains brought by my never-ending battle with my erratic female hormones. I know I should REALLY not...but I called in sick because I really, really, really cannot move out from my bed. Headache and dizziness also came in droves. I felt better mid-afternoon and started reading a book that was given to me recently by one of my officemates: If The Buddha Got Stuck. I am not really a fan of self-help books but this one really had me saying "ouch" page after page. It tells stories and learning on how to recognize the state of being stuck and how you must pay attention and go to being unstuck. I am still mid-way into the book but I already cannot put it down.

While you were not looking...I spoke to my friends. Correction, my truest and most faithful of friends. I've gushed about them several times before on this blog BUT I will still gush about them relentlessly. I am the luckiest person for having Aileen, Tin, Charo & Jako, Ivy and Mitzi in my life! I've known them since we were 12 years old and they never failed to catch me each and every time I fall. They are my secret-keepers, the anchors of my ship, and the very people who can answer whatever questions you might have about me (just don't count on 'em spilling - they are TOO loyal to me). The feeling is mutual, anyway. I'm fiercely faithful to them, I try to be strong for all of us, their enemies are my enemies and most importantly, I treat their hurts as my own. We hardly quarrel and have quite tested our friendship.

Forces of Nature For Life!
Me, Cha, Aileen and Tin - through thick and thin!

I called a mini "meeting" because I confessed something to them. Something unknown about my life which I kept for quite a while. I know that they will not get mad nor freak out with my confession (though I swear that Tin is ready for the kill). But telling and confessing to them about a troubling thing that is keeping me stuck, miserable, and bothered actually protects and releases me from that "unfortunate situation". By selling myself to them, I am actually protecting myself from me and the crazy, impulsive things I can do which I might regret in the future.

Aileen and Friends
The photos above should be labeled as "Aileen & Friends". Haha!

I am too dependent to Aileen, Tin and Charo. They are my "perfect blend" when it comes to problem solving and giving advices. Aileen's usually my savior when it comes to emotional and psyche problems. She's the one who will gently point out what's lacking emotionally and what to do to the great dip of my self-esteem and belief in self. She's also the one who will likely tell me not to feel inferior, not to settle, and strive for the best. Tin is still the solid foundation of our group. She's been through a lot and we usually seek her for support. She protects me from people I hate, she makes fun of people who treats me like shit, and she vows to haunt the people who crossed me. Fortunately for the Bella Floreses, Jean Garcias, Max Alvarados and Angelica Dela Cruzes of my life, Tin doesn't know witchcraft. : ) As for Charo, well, she's my "silent armor". She's usually the silent observer who usually figures out the obvious which often escapes Tin and Aileen when I start my non-stop babbling. She's my "you can do it!" or "enough na, sobra na!" or "may gustong sabihin si Jako!" girl. She might not know this but I protect her the most. She got this fragile nature that we would all like to protect.

I know that I am usually the underdog BUT it is not so obvious because of my strong personality and defensive attitude on things. I am usually the one who will be scolded when things are not going right, the scapegoat when projects fall, the one who said I love you first, the one whose cellphone was stolen despite the fact that there are three other cellphones in the house, the one who receives snide SMS messages from uncaring friends, the one people thinks as 'someone who needs help', the one on the losing end of a relationship, the one who should be available at every beck and call of family, friends and co-workers, the one who is not as smart, as organized and as intelligent as the next girl, the one whom you can call fat/ugly/undeserving of a guy since she wouldn't mind, the one called as a money-hunter despite the fact that it was her backing car that caused dent to my gas tank, the one who repressed feelings of loneliness, loving, misery, caring and sadness for the happiness of others, the one who doesn't need caring, the one who was recently called a liar and a stupid by friends who doesn't have a clue of what is really going on but have a lot to say, and best of all (and my all-time favorite)...the one to be blamed. Call me an underdog or a doormat even. But no one will ever believe. People just see me as someone loud, extrovert, strong, independent and defensive. Very few people see me as someone that needs extra caring. Not my family, not my exes, not other people whom I call friends. They just think and believe that I can take it. I am not putting myself down - I am so so so over that phase - since I know deep inside that this underdog, albeit bloody, will still continue to fight the things that are worth fighting for. I know that people often see me as this silly laughing girl who doesn't have a care in the world BUT fortunately for me...my gal pals are convinced that I deserve the best caring and loving that this world can offer. Ain't I soooo lucky?

While you were not looking...an old friend showed up surprisingly. When the girls and I were "in a meeting" the other day, Jako, Charo's boyfriend and one of our bestest guy friends from highshool, gave one of the best advices ever. When we were all dishing and analyzing my several screw-ups, Jako told us that in order for me to put a semblance back into my life I need to have "something". I cannot discuss right now what that "something" Jako suggested. That idea was broached to me so many times before but I believe that it was not an option before. There were opportunities for that "something" but it was not in my priority then. It was not in my book. I began to think about it again and re-evaluated. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that it can actually can/may work. Surprisingly, the opportunity to have that "something" came less than 24 hours after through an SMS sent by my old friend from Assumption. Let's just say that thanks to that SMS my Sunday was brighter and happier than expected.

Truly everything happens for a reason. I could have gone to Baguio and had my escapist's dream OR I can be thankful to the nice doze of reality weekend I just had. Yeah, it's not SO ideal...but it's THE PRESENT. It's where I am, where I should be, and where I should stay.

So many things truly happened while you were not looking.

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