Monday, October 30, 2006

The most unecessary things in my bookshelves are the stack of bridal magazines which I regularly buy ever since I can remember; two girlfriends told me last month that I better tie the knot soon so they can look forward to some serious dressing up; event suppliers who became friends are already orchestrating my walk-down-the aisle in cinematic and fog-like fashion; and I know fully well that I can 100% pull-off a fabulous, envy-worthy, elegant wedding that my groom, parents, and in-laws will be so damn proud of - gantt charts, timetables and all.

Oh, "my wedding". Sounds funny. It's even weird to blog about this NOW. You see, I USED to be so crazy about the whole wedding and marriage hoopla (with or without a man). I used to fantasize my wedding day like the next regular girl. I used to be in so much hurry to wear the white. I had this whole dream-like bridezilla trance in my head. I even had a planned month (December when the weather is cool and people are generally in high spirits), venue and set-up (garden with pristine white tents and elegant lights & fireworks ala 'Best Friend's Wedding/Joe Black' style), first dance (tango or swing), theme and motif (fresh morning colors - orange, pink, light purple, yellow, champagne), music (quartet for the ceremonies and some Lisa Ono for the reception dinner), hair & make-up (low bun and natural pink colors by Denise Go), wedding guests (no family friends or relatives whom we haven't seen for 20 years!) and food (sumtuous sit-down dinner with endless cocktails and drinks).

Back to reality. Wake up.

Wedding and I? Not going to happen soon. I thought I had it. I thought marriage was within my grasp but things suddenly did not work out. It fizzled. It died. I used to think that the last one was another mistake. It was actually not. Friends tell me that it was another bad episode and mistake in my life. But he was not a mistake. I know it was right. He was the right one BUT things just did not work-out for the two of us. Sad but that is the reality. Anyway, I believe that I am now moving on and accepting things gracefully. Yeah, there are still occasional lapses and bitter periods every now and then but none that is alarming and earth-shaking. My friends, family, co-workers and yeah...occasional night-outs with guy friends - which people might even classify as dates...are helping me see the "real hope" in things. Well, that's life.

Heartbreak and love changed me in a very mature and unexpected way. It overwhelmed me when it first hit me but the carnage and damages it brought was the one that really shook and moved me. It taught me how to be patient, strong, self-less and it gave me the courage not to settle. Sometimes great rewards are given to those who wait and pray patiently. I am not exactly jumping for joy but I can honestly say that there are happiness in "my now". I am taking each new day at a time. I have not given up on love despite the buldozer of hurt, hatred and sadness it had given me but it definitely gave me renewed and higher standards. A friend once asked what the heck I am waiting for despite some obvious options and choices. I gave this answer: "I have to be swept. Anything less than that is unacceptable." I will wait for that moment. I am not in a hurry. The white veil can definitelty wait for God's Ultimate Best. Even if it will take some more time.

So...marriage and my dream wedding day? Until he comes - whoever he will be. If he doesn't? Well...being single is actually not SO bad.

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