The recent blog entries defined the ugly person that I was - bothered, heart-broken, demented, bitter. It was so hard to move on and let go OR even jump and take the plunge. For the longest time - I looked for clarity, for hope, for security, for the love, for commitment - and I lost myself. Regrets? None at all. But I do ask Him questions why do I have to go through with all of this. Can I just close my eyes, blink a few times, then open it again to a new beginning free of longing and resentment? But, NO. I have to take every piece of shit this freakin' dilemma has to offer. There were days when I am a bright, tiny, happy thing but there were also days when I cannot flush it out of my system.
An opportunity to start a new beginning is in the offing. I can take it positively, have a brave front, a stronger heart, look at the bright future, and STOP the self-pity, bitterness, mopping and wallowing OR I can just continue the worrisome, insecure, all-or-nothing bratty-bitchy attitude that I have. I know the obvious choice. Everyone knows the obvious choice.
I want to go back to the happy person he fell in like to.
I want to be the positive, carefree lass he said he felt at home with.
I want to trash the insecure and bitter feelings that I have that ticks him.
I want to be the REAL ME that he's supposed to accept and fall in love with.
BUT it will not be for him. It will be for me. I want to fall in love with myself again. I want to celebrate my wins, joys and triumphs. I want to get to the bottom of things and determine what I really want. What are my life's passions? What are the things I want? What are my real views and feelings on religion, conversion, work life, friends, intimacies, aspirations? For such a long time, I've been living everyone's ideals and expectations but myself's. It's about time to say NO when I mean no and YES when I mean yes. It's a tough act to impose and I don't even know where to begin.
Lastly, I want to be free of resentment to the person whom I said I love the most. I cannot help but hate him with the choices he made and the things he said. I want my episodes with him as something joyous, happy, memorable and loving. The crying is not as big as before not because I am incapable but because I already began the process of loving myself more. Can you really hate someone becuase they don't and can't love you back? 100% Yes. But the key to be free from it is acceptance. When can I accept? I am longing for the day when it will dawn upon me that I am not really the one for him and let go of that thought. I've been thinking WHY can't I accept it? Is it because I feel that something is REALLY there yet he's not saying for fear of losing himself once more? Or I am just plain stupid who doesn't want to let go and accept the brutal truth? Answers cannot come instantly. Or it might come as innocent as a falling leaf on a damp sand. No one knows for sure.
Give me the strength to move forward and face the realities upon me. I don't want to be a sad and helpless person who's incapable of moving on. Bring me back to the beautiful and innocent person that I was. Please give me a strong but loving heart to absorb all the things that will come my way. I cannot do it alone, I need you beside me. You're the only one who would be able to give me the inner peace that I am searching for. Bless the people around me and their decisions involving me.
Thanks for bringing me family and friends who supports and never let go. They are the gems of my life who continuously reminds me that life is worth living. From this day, I entrust my life to you because I honestly don't know what to anymore. Make me new again, Lord. You're my only hope and the only one I know who will never give up on me.