:: RENEWED BEGINNINGS ::

The recent blog entries defined the ugly person that I was - bothered, heart-broken, demented, bitter. It was so hard to move on and let go OR even jump and take the plunge. For the longest time - I looked for clarity, for hope, for security, for the love, for commitment - and I lost myself. Regrets? None at all. But I do ask Him questions why do I have to go through with all of this. Can I just close my eyes, blink a few times, then open it again to a new beginning free of longing and resentment? But, NO. I have to take every piece of shit this freakin' dilemma has to offer. There were days when I am a bright, tiny, happy thing but there were also days when I cannot flush it out of my system.

An opportunity to start a new beginning is in the offing. I can take it positively, have a brave front, a stronger heart, look at the bright future, and STOP the self-pity, bitterness, mopping and wallowing OR I can just continue the worrisome, insecure, all-or-nothing bratty-bitchy attitude that I have. I know the obvious choice. Everyone knows the obvious choice.

I want to go back to the happy person he fell in like to.
I want to be the positive, carefree lass he said he felt at home with.
I want to trash the insecure and bitter feelings that I have that ticks him.
I want to be the REAL ME that he's supposed to accept and fall in love with.

BUT it will not be for him. It will be for me. I want to fall in love with myself again. I want to celebrate my wins, joys and triumphs. I want to get to the bottom of things and determine what I really want. What are my life's passions? What are the things I want? What are my real views and feelings on religion, conversion, work life, friends, intimacies, aspirations? For such a long time, I've been living everyone's ideals and expectations but myself's. It's about time to say NO when I mean no and YES when I mean yes. It's a tough act to impose and I don't even know where to begin.

Lastly, I want to be free of resentment to the person whom I said I love the most. I cannot help but hate him with the choices he made and the things he said. I want my episodes with him as something joyous, happy, memorable and loving. The crying is not as big as before not because I am incapable but because I already began the process of loving myself more. Can you really hate someone becuase they don't and can't love you back? 100% Yes. But the key to be free from it is acceptance. When can I accept? I am longing for the day when it will dawn upon me that I am not really the one for him and let go of that thought. I've been thinking WHY can't I accept it? Is it because I feel that something is REALLY there yet he's not saying for fear of losing himself once more? Or I am just plain stupid who doesn't want to let go and accept the brutal truth? Answers cannot come instantly. Or it might come as innocent as a falling leaf on a damp sand. No one knows for sure.