Tuesday, August 08, 2006

ON MELANCHOLIC MODE

"Loving someone means giving him the freedom to find his way, whether it leads towards you or away from you. Love is a painful risk to take but the risk must be taken no matter how scary or painful, for only then you'll experience the fullness of humanity. Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with desire, and tear you apart. Only love can make you cry and only love knows why."

I am on melancholic mood for so many reasons. The most obvious one - I'll be turning 28 in a few days. I always get a li'l bit blue this time of the year for unknown, mundane and random reasons. This year is especially hard because I'll be spending it "alone", figuratively speaking. It's hard. I cannot even put the proper words to describe what I am feeling inside. Do you know the crappy feeling of being with someone, communicating and connecting with someone, sitting closely beside someone YET not having him? That my friends is what I've been experiencing and kind of feeling lately. The martyrdom of loving someone silently and not doing anything about it truly sucks. I cannot do anything about it and I am not intending to do anything about it (yet). Yeah, I know that I should just walk away and leave but I am at the point where I already became dependent on his presence and on the friendship and sound advices he give. I just cannot leave and walk away. I just cannot turn my back easily. It's really so hard. Especially now when we are slowly showing to each other our "non-best-foot-forwards" which was absent before. Cliche as it may sound: I MIGHT not want to ruin the "blossoming" TRUE friendship and break the bond with an attempt to bring back the romance. (BUT I also don't want to settle for JUST the friendship either). Beats me. I don't know if I should stay and linger or just vanish from the face of the earth.

This is the most mature and genuine kind of love I've ever felt in my entire existence (how's that for a birthday gift to myself?). This is the "undying love" those friggin' poets were talking about. I had loved selflessly, in vain, possessively, obsessively, hopelessly, romantically, passionately BUT never in silence. I've always been loud even in loving. I express it, I cultivate it, and most importantly, I damn make sure that it's reciprocated. Not this time. I'm loving someone without expecting anything in return. Can you believe that? (Is this me?) Yeah, it's frustrating and annoying especially with me who always have to be reassured when feelings and emotions are involved. It's a different kind of love. This is true. It's not "being in love"...it's "loving" after "falling in love". The weird part? I somehow find satisfaction from it. I'm happy in my own little dreams and thoughts where he is mine and mine alone. I've somehow accepted the situation. I even find inner peace whenever I pray for him. Thoughts of him after a long and tiring day at the office even makes me giddy and inspired. It's unexplainable. It's weird.

Who is he? I cannot tell. But HE knows how I feel - he was even surprisingly shocked when I told him about it (and I thought it was obvious?). I know he's flattered but I also know that he thinks he doesn't deserve this grand and true affection since he only see me as a...weeelll...a very special friend.

But why love in silence when I can fight for it? I have two reasons. First, he made his happy choice and I'm letting him be and letting him go. I'm letting him play and conquer the world. If he gets lucky then that is my answer. If not...well...I'm pretty sure that he knows his way HOME. Second, I don't fight battles that I cannot win...YET. This is not YET the time. It's in HIS time. I think I still have to grow and learn some more. I'm still moving on, enriching and improving myself, and making myself genuinely happy on my own. If THAT time comes then GO (and he better be ready because I'll make sure that he's blown over) but if it doesn't then thy will be done. : )

P.S.
I might love in silence and from afar BUT I have this very strong faith in the "us". He will definitely hate me for saying this: If the sun refuse to shine, I will still be loving you. When mountains crumble to the sea, it will still be you and me!

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