Thursday, July 22, 2004

I am an ex-girlfriend to three people. I am neither proud nor ashamed of it. All three relationships were somehow long ones with the shortest running at one year and four months and the longest at almost three years. One happened in Junior year in highschool, the other in college and the last one after graduation that ended almost three years ago. CHANGE in disposition and distance were the root cause of all of my break-ups. Change of school, graduation from college, change of house, etc. Two cheated on me and one almost caused my break-up with my parents.

One did not even admit it that he cheated on me and somehow hoped that the news will not reach me. Thanks to his blabbing friends, the whole world learned about it. We tried for a month but I was too paranoid that he was still cheating so I eventually gave in and set him free. Despite the fact that I love him dearly. This one caused me so many sleepless, crying nights that left my friends bothered by my constant whining. I cried for two long long weeks and I lost weight (hah!). It's true when people say that the one who caused you so much pain is also the one you truly love. This guy showed me good days that can get even better. He truly defined what a great love is. One of my friends still believes up to this date that this guy and I will still end together. She used to disapprove any new guy that comes my way. Well, for her undying "belief", I salute her. Seems like she's not the only one. *wink*

You gave me a reason for my being
And I love what I'm feelin'
You gave me a meaning to my life
Yes, I've gone beyond existing
And it all began when I met you
~ When I Met You, APO Hiking Society

The other cheater confessed to me, to our friends and even to my mom! Geez! Gutsy 'no? People thought that he was the one. I did not. I know his family and he knows mine. When I say family, I mean even the uncles, the aunts and the cousins. Basta he's always around. Even at our family get-togethers. I can't breathe! This is one relationship that seemed convenient and comfortable to the point of boredom. It ended with lots of fireworks and drama though with involvement from my mom, his mom, his sister, our friends and even 'the girl'. If I have to erase something in my life, meeting him will definitely be on top of my list. It was a mistake from day one. We had so many "irreconcilable differences" between us. I cried for a day or two and that was it. People will not believe but I am glad that he's out of my life. His cheating proved to be a blessing in disguise. I hope my mom is reading this. Two words: no regrets.

Destiny is not a matter of chance, it's a matter of choice.
It's not a thing to be waited for, it's a thing to be achived.

I am glad I've chosen right. Enough said.

The last one is the ideal guy you can bring home to mom and dad. Tall, good looking, great disposition, religious, accomplished, came from a good school, career-driven and good breeding. So I've thought. I was wrong. Mom hated him so much. Who knows why? She told me that she just doesn't like the guy. No specific reason whatsoever. So you can just imagine all the takas I have to do then. Grabe!. Quite the opposite, her picky-choosy mom loved me dearly. She even cried when I broke up with his son. I survived so many things with this guy. He went to the US for work for seven months mid into our relationship and we survived. We somehow survived my parents and their sudden strict rules. We survived Ms. Lizares and the dorm's nosiness. But it was just too hard. My relationship with my parents were so low that time and I don't even attend family thingys as part of my rebellion. I got tired of the chase and the constant distrust so I bid him adieu. I love my family the most and if I can't mix them together I have to let go of him.

Through the fire to the limit, to the wall
For a chance to be with you I'd gladly risk it all
Through the fire
Through whatever, come what may
For a chance at loving you I'd take it all the way
Right down to the wire
Even through the fire
~ Through The Fire, Chaka Khan


To put a definite END in my relationships, I put all mementos, keepsakes, letters, gifts, journals and other stuff that relates to the guy in a box. As I was cleaning my room last night, I chanced upon the box containing Mr. All That Glitters. I am not even aware that I have it since I thought I threw it all away when I began dating the jealous Mr. No Regrets. Among the three, this particular ex is probably the one that left the least traces. Look into my room and there's not a single picture nor gift that reminded me of him. Just the box I thought I never had. I browsed through it and found so many cheesy letters (even printed e-mails), several flower gift cards (geez, this guy used to be on first name basis with the Holland Tulips guy in Makati), concert and premiere tickets and even wrappers of chocolates! It was sweet and memorable before but it is now "just trash". Just like how I feel whenever some weirdo calls me AbbieAbs (since this ex used to call me that). Whatever. For the record, I don't hate this guy. I just hate the memory of knowing that he used to love me and I used to love him. It was a memory of a failed romance that I tried so hard to work on. I realized that I am definitely throwing the box away when I read one of his letters where he wrote "I wish we'll be together forever. I really do." AND that's NOT a line, he meant every word. Reading it now makes me gag. How can you wish for forever when you are only 22 years old? You haven't experienced life yet at 22. I was 19 years old then and halfway through college. I bet I reciprocated and said that I also wanted forever with him. Ewww, all crap. And this is the jaded me speaking. Oh! While we are at it, whoever said that I like tulips? Yes, it's fancy but it's such an oh so boring bulb. I prefer the classic, long-stemmed white roses. And the one who did not give me any insufferable tulips is the one I cherish until this day. He's not even in a box. Ladida.


Three relationships in the past and I survived them all unscathed. Bloody but unbowed, it made me wiser, choosy-picky, often OC and sometimes even cynical amidst the commitment phobic guys of my current age and time. In the age of Cosmo women, men who constantly cheats, the Sex and The City phenomena and the convenient world of the Internet where everything is just a click away, looking for the 'perfect, ideal ONE' is far from reach. But when love knocks in the unexpected way you will forget the rules you've set and will eventually give in to make it work. I (still) truly believe in serendipity and happy endings. What is bound to happened will happened. If it's meant to be then it's meant to be.

On the eve before he went away, I called him up and said goodbye.
I never said what I felt (or what I am still feeling) despite the fact
that the boys knew all about it and were expecting some miracle that
my declaration of my undying love will somehow change his decision
to leave. Fat chance! I was not GUTSY enough.
~ My Tabulas Post, June 27, 2004

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