Friday, July 07, 2006

"I fell madly and deeply in love with someone!"

The above words kept on ringing in my ears and it doesn't go away. I hear it before I sleep, after I wake up, while answering work e-mails, during meetings, while driving, while eating...it's freakin' everywhere! WHY, ME???

He wanted a friend and I became one. I was able to ease a big load off his chest. I was able to make him a whole lot lighter - as he told me. Unfortunately, his misery transferred to me. I absorbed it all. I am now in a deeper shit than ever. This is something unexpected and uncalled for. I prepared and anticipated a lot of things in our lives (even our numerous break-ups) but hearing that he's DEEPLY in love with somebody else and I should be "a friend" about it is definitely not one of them. He's pathetic crazy BUT I am pathetically crazier. I allowed it all to happen to me. I assured him that I'll be a friend and not an ex about it so I really cannot even blame him about it.

BUT here's something I can blame him: I also wanted a friend right now but where is he? All I wanted is to hear from him. A mere text or e-mail can go a long way. I feel so cheated, used and violated. He doesn't even have the decency to treat me right as a friend. Does he really think that I am unaffected with everything he said? I know that I gave the impression that I am "okay" about it but does he really really think that I am NOT hurt about it? I want to hate him the way my friends are all hating him, I want to name him names...BUT I can't!!! There is still a huge ounce of me that hopes, that cares, that loves him. It doesn't want to go away!

Why can't it be simpler? Why can't I just freely move on and be unaffected? Life can be easier for us. He could've fallen in love with someone who's 100% single and be happy about it, right? Why does he have to drag me into the picture? Why does he have to kiss me hoping that magic and spark will be ours again so that it will be simpler for him?

Why does he always need catching? AND WHY do I have to be the one who always have do it?

Hopefully he will regret all of these in the future and realized how much he wronged me. I know he would. I just know he would. If not...then he's really the cold-hearted and insensitive bastard whom I love so much. :(

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