I Blog, Therefore I Am.

It's more than twenty three hours since the New Year and I am still stuck on 2008 (but not because I want to). It's just that I was too tired in the last few days to make a serious and emotional "looking back post" and it's only now that I become inspired to actually write one.

I usually describe my years according to the major milestones I felt or experienced in that year. Like 2004 was The Year I Fell In Love, alternately 2005 and 2006 were the The Year I Messed Up and The Year My Heart Got Broken In So Many Ways (I still can't decide which is which) and 2007 was The Year I Became Smart - literally and figuratively.

2008 was a year of great blessings for me. Yeah, I still have the occasional trials and hardships in various aspects of my life but it was nothing compared to the tumultuous years I had in the past (Hello, 2005 & 2006!). 2008 was very generous to me even if I don't deserve all the things that were given to me.

The Year I Turned Thirty was probably the best description I can give to 2008. Turning thirty years old (and single at that) can be a dread. I used to fear it when I was still on my twenties. But being on this year actually opened doors for me. Come with the age is the respect and a certain reverence. I am still funny, clumsy and carefree but I already sense a certain maturity within me which I've been hoping to achieve for years. My views and convictions are now on the serious path compared to the ideals I had a few years back. Oh, and thirty is "happiness". I'm now happier and more contented with my life compared before.

The most-asked-and-I-often-despise question of the year was of course the boyfriend question. "Do you have one?" "When are you going to have one?" "Mag-diet ka kaya so you can have one?" I am tired of answering these questions so I often answer in jest or sarcastically. My usual answers were "I am not interested!" or "I've long given up on love!". Then there will be another batch of questions and opinions ranging from "But why? You're still young! Don't give up!" to "Why? Are you now interested in women?". Oh well! The truth is I feel so indifferent about it. Yeah, there are guys out there who asks; and friends keep on fixing me up with people BUT I just don't feel it. The past, though very painful and a bit traumatic, is no longer an issue for me. I have longed forgiven myself and moved on from it. I just want to be happy all by myself for the meantime. I want to be single and discover things for the meantime. I want peace and serenity for now. I'll be ready when I'll be ready. :)

It was a less emotional year for me except for the fact that one of my good friends unexpectedly died last February. Binchy definitely struck a cord in all of us but we believe that he's now in a happier and better place. Aside from that, everything was smooth-sailing and drama-free. My relationship with my family and friends became stronger than ever and I was also given a chance to bond more with my bestest friends through several trips, vacations and travels last year.

Work is great and I learned a lot last year. There was the usual pressure and competition but it helped us more than it broke us. Heading a team was really a challenge especially if you were out to prove something. There were a lot of guts, second guessing and prayers involved as we launch one project after another. I am definitely happier and more contented with my current career compared to all the other past jobs I held. It allowed me to have independent ideas, kick-ass diskartes, and most importantly it gave me the opportunity to have a work and personal life balance. The pay-out at the end of the year were just icings on the cake.

I sailed through in 2008. It's a neutral year for me (boring at times actually) and I will definitely miss it. I am sure that 2009 will be a bit different since I know it will involve a lot of challenges and risk - not only for me but for everyone (Hello, Economy!). I also know that I will be fighting a lot of internal battles this year with the choices I will make...so help me God. Stay tuned!

Let's rock 2009! Happy New Year!

Cinemalaya is the country's biggest independent film festival. I was able to watch several indie films in the past but not in the actual festival itself. This year's run is from July 11 to 20 and it has the biggest entries so far. The screenings will all be held at the Cultural Center of the Philippines and I hope that I'll get to watch a couple of the films.

Here's the schedule of the special events:

Opening Night - Opening Ceremonies, World Premiere of "Adela" by Aldolf Alix, Jr. - July 11, Friday, 6:00 PM - CCP Main Theater

Awards Night - July 20, Sunday, 7:00 PM - CCP Main Theater

You may check the complete list of the screening schedule at the website of Philippine Star's Supreme. Previews and trailers may also be viewed at the Cinemalaya You Tube page.

I want to watch My Fake American Accent and 100. Here are the previews:


My Fake American Accent

My Fake American Accent is a slice-of-life workplace comedy following the lives of technical support call center agents in the span of six months. Speaking with a fake American accent is a prerequisite for the job. This ensemble comedy is an inside look into the maddening, sleep-deprived, caffeine-fuelled lives of those who ply their trade in the call center industry.



100

100 is about a stern, uptight and exacting woman with a terminal illness who tries to accomplish a list of 100 things to do before she dies. Her tasks vary from the simple to the complicated, from the practical to the mundane, from the ordinary to the extraordinary. In the process, she accepts the truth that even if death is something personal, dying never is.

So, what do you want to watch?

TIME is one of the most neglected words in my vocabulary.

I feel that I am always out of time and I always need more, more, more time. More time for my family, for work, for my friends, for my hobbies and most especially for myself.

I really need to conquer time and be satisfied with the fine 24 hours that He has given us.

I know that money cannot buy time...but it can definitely buy a Fossil or even a Baume and Mercier. Oh well.







Maybe this would help.

It's two hours away before I prepare for work and I have two options. Either to take a 2-hour power nap or make a blog post. I obviously chose the latter.

Seeing is believing that's the theme for this post. Very appropriate for what I saw last night accidentally at Friendster.

I saw a picture of my ex with his new girlfriend.

By EX I mean THE ex, as in the last one, as in my OGL, as in the one who broke my heart the baddest, as in the subject of a year’s worth of post on this blog, as in Mark.

The good thing is I am actually cool and okay about it. Really. And I am not writing this just to convince myself. I envisioned this moment months ago and I was expecting that I will be hurt beyond measure and will cry uncontrollably. Well, I am unexpectedly calm and okay when I saw it. Either I don’t care anymore or I’ve already moved on big time. Both are great possibilities.

The bad thing is I am still blogging about it. What for, right? I actually don’t know. All I know is that I am probably not giving myself enough credit for what I achieved in my moving on process. I know that I am already this close to achieving inner peace. I am actually happy for myself because I am back to being happy. I am now out of the rut. I even know that I am somehow ready to take the plunge again sans baggages. I used to feel for a very very long time that I was trapped in a black hole of despair. It was THAT bad. Brokenhearts are truly nasty and sadness is even worse.

I actually asked if seeing their picture is a sign. Is it a sign from God telling me that I am actually and completely over him? I truly believe that God will not make us experience things that we are not ready for. I often pray for these things. I always pray to him to not give me crap that I cannot handle. So is this a sign that I have already and gracefully moved on? I hope so and I am so excited to find out!

I called my friend Tin almost after I saw their picture. She asked if I am crying and I said no. What for? I told her that "ours" was ages ago. It was actually one of the realizations that hit me when I saw it. I realized that he and I happened eons ago and the feeling of hurt should have long expired by now. Yeah, it might be a bit recent for me considering the painful things I went through but in reality it was already a year and a half ago. It's actually funny because its been a while since I last bothered to analyze my feelings so I am surprised at the recent events and my unexpected reaction.

My ex is an expert in ruining special occasions for me. One of our pseudo break-ups happened the day after my 27th birthday, our biggest fight was in one of our Decembers and...I learned that he already got a new girlfriend minutes after I turned 29 years old (which was just last August). He called, we did some catching up, and it was mentioned in the conversation. I was surprised but he fortunately did not tell me who she was. But of course (being me) I had an inkling who she was and I confirmed that hunch last night. It may be part of the reason why I am so calm on seeing them together because I was not surprised that it's her. I actually know her and she knows me. We've met before when Mark and I were still together and she was still with somebody else.

Of course I am but human to feel a tinge (take note: a TINGE) of hurt. Seeing something like this belongs to another level no matter how grounded someone is. After all the last girl I've seen with Mark in that way was ME.

But at the end of the day I know that SEEING something like this will help me more than hurt me because I BELIEVE that this is a new ball game and it's the renewed me who saw it.

Guess where I am? Guess where I am blogging? Wish I can say that I am in a vacation somewhere or in some far-flung exotic place waiting to be explored. Well, SURE there will be a lot of exploring from where I am. But not in a good and exciting way. As I write, I am at the eighth floor of Asian Hospital and Medical Center waiting to be literally "explored and opened" by my good and trusty surgeon (but not the McDreamy-Burke-McSteamy-Addison variety).

I was admitted last Sunday after severe stomach and back pains which I experienced around 4:00 in the morning. I cannot sleep, tried walking, and even tried to induced whatever I ate the night before. This is my second hospitalization in barely a month. The first one was just for a routine Endoscopy to check my abdomen and other internal organs where I was diagnosed with Gastritis. I stayed for only two days and was discharged immediately. This hospitalization is rather different. I was in so much pain last Sunday that the medical staff at the ER had to pump around 3-4 dosages of pain relievers in my IV varying from Buscopan to Demerol before I was relieved.

To make the long epic short, a quick read at my ultrasound indicated that I've been keeping a 1.2 cm big, bad, nasty gallstone in my gallbladder. My Gastroenterology doctor immediately referred me to an Internal Medicine Surgeon and he advised that I undergo Open Cholecystectomy as soon as possible to avoid another batch of "gallstone attacks". In English, they will be removing my gallbladder (yep, as in the whole organ) pronto at 2:00 pm tomorrow, March 28.

I was truly surprised. I never expected that it would be THIS bad. This is truly a giant meltdown since our family just spent 24 whole days at Medical City last December/January when my dad was hospitalized due to leg infection caused by diabetes. He's barely recovering and I am now here about to go under the knife, too. 2007 is slowly becoming one of my least favorite years. Tsk, Tsk, tsk.

I'm actually fine NOW. I am blogging and writing even if an IV line is attached to my right hand with dextrose and a Metrodinazole 100ml on it (antibiotics for the surgery). My left arm is the battered one with three blood incisions and the hospital tag. I am just pissed that I have to pee once every 30 minutes because of the continuously flowing water in my veins. I am also in a low fat diet and is not allowed to take any sour and spicy foods nor drink any caffeine or carbonated drinks. I am bored to my wits with nothing but TV to amuse me. I've already watched anything that Pinoy Big Brother can offer, a lot of Oprah, Double Jeopardy, the US Figure Skating Nationals, gazillion movies at Star Movies and HBO and I am planning to re-watch again for the 3rd time Grey's Anatomy Season 3 which I ripped for my iPod last week. I even did some worksheet computation for Binchy for a certain project that we have to launch a couple of months from now (I am kindda guilty for missing work again).

Am I scared? Yes. I know that this is a huge operation. I can actually die, right? Seattle Grace surgery patients - as we know - truly have high mortality rates, right? The Anesthesiology Resident went to my room this evening and told me that they will be applying General Anesthesia on my spine since this is a major abdominal surgery. That's scary. Then there's the four-finger wide incision and slice that would scar my stomach. Great! Twenty-eight, single and with a giant scar to boot!!! Oh well!

So, here goes another unfortunate adventure of my already twisted life. Whew! My Marketing Teammates (Binch, Ros, Mon, Obet), Ms. Nitz, best bud John and friends Ate Omie and Ate P already visited me. A lot of friends and cousins already sent words of prayer and encouragement. I guess this is all for now. I now have to rest and watch another lengthy senatorial debate on the tube.


P.S.
I was texting earlier with one of my bestfriends, Olen, and told her that my surgeries might have something to do with my resignations and attachment to my companies. When I resigned from Honda in June 2004, I've undergone emergency grafting surgery in May 2004 for my right ring finger before finally throwing the Honda bucket. Then there's the recent Goodyear resignation and this surgery. See a pattern? A vicious cycle? Then how about in Carrier? What body part do I have to leave and detach for the then resignation? Easy answer! It starts with an H and ends with a T.

I both loved them. I both love them. Love, loved, love, loved? Who knows if it is still present tense or now past tense? I am crummy with my grammar at times.

I call them my ONE and TWO. They are two of my lifetime's greatest blessings who showed me great happiness and made me realize how great my life can be.

I met One two and a half years ago. We got together after a couple of months.
I met Two several years ago but only got together two years ago.

One is smart, gentle, has quiet demeanor, sweetness and humility.
Two is strong, a leader, caring to a degree, forgiving, tolerant and assertive.

One is full of poetry, quotes and flowery words.
Two is full of hard-hitting numbers, straightforward essays & articles and a PR mileage that would impress anyone.

One has the top score in the boards, the great friends and the Baguio vacation house.
Two has the car, the cellphone and the laptop (with WiFi to boot).

One used to call me Sweetie, Bie and Babe.
Two used to call me Herbie and "the royal blood".

One and I used to love movies, wines, spa & massages and fine dining.
Two and I used to love tires, events, "Bayani Ng Kalsada" and dealer conferences.

One used to be so fond of me. It texted me day in and day out.
Two used to be so fond of me. It even paid for my parlor fees so I will look good in functions (voluntary at that!).

One used to make me feel as the "Prettiest Girl in the Planet".
Two used to make me feel as the "Smartest Girl in the Planet".

My best month with One was December 2004.
My best month with Two was December 2006.

One took me to Baguio, Anilao and Puerto Galera. All-expense paid including taxes.
Two took me to Pampanga, Baguio and Naga. Don't forget the receipts though.
(Sadly...all I want is Boracay but it both slipped in their minds).

One satisfies my emotions but Two stimulates my mind.

There were several occassions when I called both One and Two as "THE ONE".
I have my hesitations but God knows that I want them both to work.

When One is concerned...it's the avoider.
When Two is concerned...I am the avoider.

Did I ever blog about One and Two in the past?
Yep. At great length.

I often ask if I can ever have both One and Two both in my life or would it be just TOO much of a blessing for one person? Apparently...I am still not confident that I deserve ALL the good things in life.

At some point, I tried to have One and Two both in my life. I honestly cannot juggle them both at the same time. Both complained the lack of time.

One used to say that being with Two too much is just plain crazy. It said that there are more things in life than Two. Agree.
Two used to say that being with One too much makes me unfocused. It said there are other important things than One. Agree.

I fought for One until the very end. If it will give me another chance, I will fight for it even more. No questions asked.
I fought for Two until the very end. If it will give me another chance, I will fight for it but I might have to ask several questions since Two is very demanding.

Both One and Two thinks that I did not "fight for them" enough. Apparently, my "flight club" is different from theirs.

One was my inspiration to make Two work.
Two was my welcome diversion when things did not work out with One.

Both offered me forever.
Two even promised to double my savings after a certain time - making me rich for life.
Both left me.

Can I ever replace Two? Yep. But I dunno if I will love it as much.
Can I ever replace One? Let's just say that I really don't know and I am praying for answers.

Can One ever come back? Would I be blogging if I know the answer?
Can Two ever come back? I don't know. It's not over until it's over, right?

When One left I turned to "Grey's Anatomy" for distraction.
When I had bad days with Two I turned to "Grey's Anatomy" for inspiration.

When I was still hoping and praying for Two...One stood by me.
When One left... I have Two to take care of me.

My best bud John doesn't want to talk about One because it makes me depressed.
My best bud John doesn't want to talk about Two becuase it also makes him depressed.

When I told John about what happened with me and One....we talked about it for days so I can get it out of my system.
When I told John about what happened with me and Two...we avoided talking about it hoping it would creep out of our system.

Is it NOW time to let go of two of my most precious blessings? Is it now time for a clean slate? Is there a THREE and FOUR waiting for me?

I have so many tragedies and dramas lately. I have so many unanswered questions and unanswered prayers. But losing Two after I lost One (albeit a year ago) is really the huge one. I am not yet done with One and now...Two??? What is left of me? Can I ever survive this?

I honestly don't know.

One thing is sure though...I am now scared...I am very very very scared.
This is truly the big one.

I was doing my expense report for last week when my phone unexpectedly came to life at 12:37 am on a Saturday (Sunday midnight to be exact). I glanced at the caller ID and took a moment to think whether I will screen or answer. After a moment of hesitation, I picked up and decided that it's still better than filing my reimbursements.

Him: Hi, Abbie! How are you?
Me: Hello?? What did you say?
Him: I said how are you?
Me: Wow! How formal. I am fine, doing some work.
Him: So, how's everything?
Me: Okay lang naman. Busy as usual.
Him: Well, you're always busy. No time for everything
Me: Yeah, that's life.
Him: How's ______ (insert name of my ex)?
Me: I don't know. Fine, I guess.
Him: I am here in Cavite right now with _____, _____, and _____. (insert names of our officemates).
Me: Really? Sana lumabas na lang din ako.
Him: Yeah, you should have. I am so drunk!!!
Me: You guys better go home already if that's the case.
Him: We are all wasted. Of course si ________ (insert name of officemate who's dear to me) kanina pa knock-out, sobrang wasted.
Me: Talaga? So that's why. I texted him some work stuff and he did not answer.
Him: Oo 'no. For sure he will not text you because ________ (insert name of former girl officemate) is here. Okay nga sila eh. Seem to be doing well together.
Me: Hmmm. Okay.
Him: Grabe, Abs. I called because I need to tell you something. I am so drunk but I miss you so much. I truly miss you. I miss you so much.
Me: Hay naku. You better hang-up and go home.
Him: Really. I miss you so much! I love you, Abs. People kept on telling me to stop loving you but I cannot. Kahit abnormal ka I still love you. I don't care what they say.
Me: Yeah, abnormal ako kaya let's put the phone down. Let's talk tomorrow.
Him: No. I miss you talaga. You know your ex? He's BS! He did not give you time.
Me: Ooohhh, let's not get into that.
Him: Same way that you're not giving me time.
Me: Hay naku!
Him: And si ______ (insert name of officemate who's dear to me)...forget about him! He still has hang-ups on his ex. Plus there's _____ (name of former girl officemate).
Me: Yeah, yeah. Bye na!
Him: Abs, so many people love you but you don't give them time. You don't give them chances and you ignore them.

Then the line got cut. Whatever.

Whew! Drunken midnight calls...tsk, tsk, tsk. I cannot for the life of me explain how I feel about the call. Flattered? Yeah, in a very weird and tiny way. Disgusted? Yeah, definitely. Telling me emo stuff while drunk is one thing but bashing my ex is definitely out of line. Play fair, damnit!

I conversed with four guy friends on loving a woman this week. They have different stories but they've all been experiencing hurts caused by a love for a woman. It's worth blogging about. Think of it as a delayed blog Halloween special. Hehe!

Guy A met an extraordinary girl that he considered as 'the one' but decided to leave and let her go because of some major disappointments on her personality that are non-negotiables. Guy A is still hurting and reminiscing despite the many months that have gone by. He's trying to date but still couldn't forget the girl. I thought everything is already well until he confessed in one of our coffee sessions that the girl truly broke and damaged him. That's when I realized that he's still not over her. He's trying to drown himself with work but vowed to give time to a new hobby just to cope and forget. He said that Christmas this year is useless unless there are big bonuses on the way. Who I am to this guy? His old friend who became an unexpected confidante who's fast becoming his best gal pal.

Guy B is a serial dater who unexpectedly fell in love without meaning to. However, he sensed that the girl is taking him for a ride and dared her to cool down things. She unexpectedly took the bait and agreed to it. Guy B is now distraught and unbelievably hurt. He doesn't want to talk about it but his late hours SMS became annoying so I decided to give him my precious time and listen intently while I compute for our calendar earnings this year. He decided to let her go but on a vengeful way. His grand plan is to stay with her until she falls then leave her. I told her that he would not succeed (despite his past love-her-leave-her reputation) since he is now too emotionally attached to her. He's busy on his business that might make him a tycoon just to cope and forget. Christmas this year is surely mellow for him despite the mega-bucks that he's earning both from his income and business. Who I am to this guy? His only best girl friend. Ever.

Guy C doesn't usually give himself because of some unforgotten hurt from years back. The girl she fell in love with has 'wrong timing' written all over her. Unfortunately, everything in this world is timing and the confusing world where the girl resides in has wrong timing all around it. She wants him on her life but so is the next guy. She doesn't want him out of her life but there is no clear indication that she wants him on it either. Guy C decided to say goodbye and let her go just to save himself for more hurts. Unfortunately, goodbyes are always long processes from him. Everyday is a struggle within. He's a survivor but he also got issues on flying and falling. His unexpected phone calls are always welcome despite our colorful past and my uber-busy schedule. He got great dreams for himself, which he's planning and pushing for just to escape, cope and forget. Christmas this year is a deadline - better pull himself together before Silver Bells and Jingle Bell Rock dominate the airwaves. Or else "Pasko Na, Sinta Ko" will be the official theme of the Yuletide. Who I am to this guy? His heaven-sent band-aid.

Guy D loves someone in a very weird but passionate way. The girl doesn't give her any time but seemed have time for everybody and anything but him. She's brokenhearted and still healing from a relationship that has gone sour. She's a hard shell to break and needs to be swept to fall. He decided to let her go and start anew. He even broke his engagement with his fiancee to start a new beginning, forget the other girl, and find someone else. Guy C is so persistent that he even succumbs to name-calling and blackballing the ex and other guys being paired to the girl. He became so annoying that I don't want to talk to him and hear about his inconsistencies. Christmas this year will be an expensive one - according to him - he likes to brag and brag and brag. Who I am to this guy? See above drunken phone call conversation. I am me and he is him.

Oh, women...what have you done to these fine men? I used to think that men, in general, are the scums of the universe. I hate them and the way they make women fall without intending to catch them. But I realize that women are even worse. Women are supposed to be nice, loving, caring and forgiving. What happened? Guys A, B and C are my dear friends who doesn't deserve such treatment from the bitches they fell in love with. From someone who've been badly hurt and trampled on, I empathize with them - even if they are whiny and bordering annoying at times (kidding!). It's so easy to hate men who broke our hearts but it's so disheartening to hate women who act like unforgiving men - especially if I am turning into one of those bitches (take note: "turning" is the operative word). That's the bad thing about double standards. Men who break hearts are easily forgiven but women who do are scorned and looked down upon. What the heck happened to sugar and spice and everything nice? I hate women! I hate women who break my friends' hearts! I even hate myself for not making one's heart whole!

The most unecessary things in my bookshelves are the stack of bridal magazines which I regularly buy ever since I can remember; two girlfriends told me last month that I better tie the knot soon so they can look forward to some serious dressing up; event suppliers who became friends are already orchestrating my walk-down-the aisle in cinematic and fog-like fashion; and I know fully well that I can 100% pull-off a fabulous, envy-worthy, elegant wedding that my groom, parents, and in-laws will be so damn proud of - gantt charts, timetables and all.

Oh, "my wedding". Sounds funny. It's even weird to blog about this NOW. You see, I USED to be so crazy about the whole wedding and marriage hoopla (with or without a man). I used to fantasize my wedding day like the next regular girl. I used to be in so much hurry to wear the white. I had this whole dream-like bridezilla trance in my head. I even had a planned month (December when the weather is cool and people are generally in high spirits), venue and set-up (garden with pristine white tents and elegant lights & fireworks ala 'Best Friend's Wedding/Joe Black' style), first dance (tango or swing), theme and motif (fresh morning colors - orange, pink, light purple, yellow, champagne), music (quartet for the ceremonies and some Lisa Ono for the reception dinner), hair & make-up (low bun and natural pink colors by Denise Go), wedding guests (no family friends or relatives whom we haven't seen for 20 years!) and food (sumtuous sit-down dinner with endless cocktails and drinks).

Back to reality. Wake up.

Wedding and I? Not going to happen soon. I thought I had it. I thought marriage was within my grasp but things suddenly did not work out. It fizzled. It died. I used to think that the last one was another mistake. It was actually not. Friends tell me that it was another bad episode and mistake in my life. But he was not a mistake. I know it was right. He was the right one BUT things just did not work-out for the two of us. Sad but that is the reality. Anyway, I believe that I am now moving on and accepting things gracefully. Yeah, there are still occasional lapses and bitter periods every now and then but none that is alarming and earth-shaking. My friends, family, co-workers and yeah...occasional night-outs with guy friends - which people might even classify as dates...are helping me see the "real hope" in things. Well, that's life.

Heartbreak and love changed me in a very mature and unexpected way. It overwhelmed me when it first hit me but the carnage and damages it brought was the one that really shook and moved me. It taught me how to be patient, strong, self-less and it gave me the courage not to settle. Sometimes great rewards are given to those who wait and pray patiently. I am not exactly jumping for joy but I can honestly say that there are happiness in "my now". I am taking each new day at a time. I have not given up on love despite the buldozer of hurt, hatred and sadness it had given me but it definitely gave me renewed and higher standards. A friend once asked what the heck I am waiting for despite some obvious options and choices. I gave this answer: "I have to be swept. Anything less than that is unacceptable." I will wait for that moment. I am not in a hurry. The white veil can definitelty wait for God's Ultimate Best. Even if it will take some more time.

So...marriage and my dream wedding day? Until he comes - whoever he will be. If he doesn't? Well...being single is actually not SO bad.

"Loving someone means giving him the freedom to find his way, whether it leads towards you or away from you. Love is a painful risk to take but the risk must be taken no matter how scary or painful, for only then you'll experience the fullness of humanity. Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with desire, and tear you apart. Only love can make you cry and only love knows why."

I am on melancholic mood for so many reasons. The most obvious one - I'll be turning 28 in a few days. I always get a li'l bit blue this time of the year for unknown, mundane and random reasons. This year is especially hard because I'll be spending it "alone", figuratively speaking. It's hard. I cannot even put the proper words to describe what I am feeling inside. Do you know the crappy feeling of being with someone, communicating and connecting with someone, sitting closely beside someone YET not having him? That my friends is what I've been experiencing and kind of feeling lately. The martyrdom of loving someone silently and not doing anything about it truly sucks. I cannot do anything about it and I am not intending to do anything about it (yet). Yeah, I know that I should just walk away and leave but I am at the point where I already became dependent on his presence and on the friendship and sound advices he give. I just cannot leave and walk away. I just cannot turn my back easily. It's really so hard. Especially now when we are slowly showing to each other our "non-best-foot-forwards" which was absent before. Cliche as it may sound: I MIGHT not want to ruin the "blossoming" TRUE friendship and break the bond with an attempt to bring back the romance. (BUT I also don't want to settle for JUST the friendship either). Beats me. I don't know if I should stay and linger or just vanish from the face of the earth.

This is the most mature and genuine kind of love I've ever felt in my entire existence (how's that for a birthday gift to myself?). This is the "undying love" those friggin' poets were talking about. I had loved selflessly, in vain, possessively, obsessively, hopelessly, romantically, passionately BUT never in silence. I've always been loud even in loving. I express it, I cultivate it, and most importantly, I damn make sure that it's reciprocated. Not this time. I'm loving someone without expecting anything in return. Can you believe that? (Is this me?) Yeah, it's frustrating and annoying especially with me who always have to be reassured when feelings and emotions are involved. It's a different kind of love. This is true. It's not "being in love"...it's "loving" after "falling in love". The weird part? I somehow find satisfaction from it. I'm happy in my own little dreams and thoughts where he is mine and mine alone. I've somehow accepted the situation. I even find inner peace whenever I pray for him. Thoughts of him after a long and tiring day at the office even makes me giddy and inspired. It's unexplainable. It's weird.

Who is he? I cannot tell. But HE knows how I feel - he was even surprisingly shocked when I told him about it (and I thought it was obvious?). I know he's flattered but I also know that he thinks he doesn't deserve this grand and true affection since he only see me as a...weeelll...a very special friend.

But why love in silence when I can fight for it? I have two reasons. First, he made his happy choice and I'm letting him be and letting him go. I'm letting him play and conquer the world. If he gets lucky then that is my answer. If not...well...I'm pretty sure that he knows his way HOME. Second, I don't fight battles that I cannot win...YET. This is not YET the time. It's in HIS time. I think I still have to grow and learn some more. I'm still moving on, enriching and improving myself, and making myself genuinely happy on my own. If THAT time comes then GO (and he better be ready because I'll make sure that he's blown over) but if it doesn't then thy will be done. : )

P.S.
I might love in silence and from afar BUT I have this very strong faith in the "us". He will definitely hate me for saying this: If the sun refuse to shine, I will still be loving you. When mountains crumble to the sea, it will still be you and me!

While you were not looking...I learned a lot.
While you were not looking...I went from north to south.
While you were not looking...the rain stopped and the sun came up.

As I write this, I'm supposed to be on my way home from Baguio. But as they say, everything happens for a reason and my Baguio trip (together with my former officemates) truly DID NOT happen for a reason - and I am actually acknowledging that fact. I yearned for the trip for two weeks. We were supposed to go last weekend but was postponed for this weekend because of the landslides brought by a recent typhoon. I got a call from a dear friend the night before we were supposed to leave and told me that it was canceled due to so many factors. I was so disappointed and even pleaded, begged, got mad, and used every persuasion skill in my book that we still go with our plans. Sadly, we still did not. I was pissed. Majorly pissed. I want that trip SO badly. I planned it to be my weekend away from reality. My weekend escape from everything. My escape from home, my escape from toxic friends, my escape from the maddening responsibilities at work. I need that break so much. I want to clear my head and rest; and I believe that Baguio is just the oh-so perfect place to do just that. I struggled and burdened myself with truckloads of work for days in anticipation for the great weekend reward that is Baguio. So, you can imagine how pissed I really am when it was freakin' canceled. But as I've said...everything happens for a reason.

While you were not looking...Friday became an all-time low . Friday morning brought me thousands of muscle pains brought by my never-ending battle with my erratic female hormones. I know I should REALLY not...but I called in sick because I really, really, really cannot move out from my bed. Headache and dizziness also came in droves. I felt better mid-afternoon and started reading a book that was given to me recently by one of my officemates: If The Buddha Got Stuck. I am not really a fan of self-help books but this one really had me saying "ouch" page after page. It tells stories and learning on how to recognize the state of being stuck and how you must pay attention and go to being unstuck. I am still mid-way into the book but I already cannot put it down.

While you were not looking...I spoke to my friends. Correction, my truest and most faithful of friends. I've gushed about them several times before on this blog BUT I will still gush about them relentlessly. I am the luckiest person for having Aileen, Tin, Charo & Jako, Ivy and Mitzi in my life! I've known them since we were 12 years old and they never failed to catch me each and every time I fall. They are my secret-keepers, the anchors of my ship, and the very people who can answer whatever questions you might have about me (just don't count on 'em spilling - they are TOO loyal to me). The feeling is mutual, anyway. I'm fiercely faithful to them, I try to be strong for all of us, their enemies are my enemies and most importantly, I treat their hurts as my own. We hardly quarrel and have quite tested our friendship.


Me, Cha, Aileen and Tin - through thick and thin!

I called a mini "meeting" because I confessed something to them. Something unknown about my life which I kept for quite a while. I know that they will not get mad nor freak out with my confession (though I swear that Tin is ready for the kill). But telling and confessing to them about a troubling thing that is keeping me stuck, miserable, and bothered actually protects and releases me from that "unfortunate situation". By selling myself to them, I am actually protecting myself from me and the crazy, impulsive things I can do which I might regret in the future.


The photos above should be labeled as "Aileen & Friends". Haha!

I am too dependent to Aileen, Tin and Charo. They are my "perfect blend" when it comes to problem solving and giving advices. Aileen's usually my savior when it comes to emotional and psyche problems. She's the one who will gently point out what's lacking emotionally and what to do to the great dip of my self-esteem and belief in self. She's also the one who will likely tell me not to feel inferior, not to settle, and strive for the best. Tin is still the solid foundation of our group. She's been through a lot and we usually seek her for support. She protects me from people I hate, she makes fun of people who treats me like shit, and she vows to haunt the people who crossed me. Fortunately for the Bella Floreses, Jean Garcias, Max Alvarados and Angelica Dela Cruzes of my life, Tin doesn't know witchcraft. : ) As for Charo, well, she's my "silent armor". She's usually the silent observer who usually figures out the obvious which often escapes Tin and Aileen when I start my non-stop babbling. She's my "you can do it!" or "enough na, sobra na!" or "may gustong sabihin si Jako!" girl. She might not know this but I protect her the most. She got this fragile nature that we would all like to protect.

I know that I am usually the underdog BUT it is not so obvious because of my strong personality and defensive attitude on things. I am usually the one who will be scolded when things are not going right, the scapegoat when projects fall, the one who said I love you first, the one whose cellphone was stolen despite the fact that there are three other cellphones in the house, the one who receives snide SMS messages from uncaring friends, the one people thinks as 'someone who needs help', the one on the losing end of a relationship, the one who should be available at every beck and call of family, friends and co-workers, the one who is not as smart, as organized and as intelligent as the next girl, the one whom you can call fat/ugly/undeserving of a guy since she wouldn't mind, the one called as a money-hunter despite the fact that it was her backing car that caused dent to my gas tank, the one who repressed feelings of loneliness, loving, misery, caring and sadness for the happiness of others, the one who doesn't need caring, the one who was recently called a liar and a stupid by friends who doesn't have a clue of what is really going on but have a lot to say, and best of all (and my all-time favorite)...the one to be blamed. Call me an underdog or a doormat even. But no one will ever believe. People just see me as someone loud, extrovert, strong, independent and defensive. Very few people see me as someone that needs extra caring. Not my family, not my exes, not other people whom I call friends. They just think and believe that I can take it. I am not putting myself down - I am so so so over that phase - since I know deep inside that this underdog, albeit bloody, will still continue to fight the things that are worth fighting for. I know that people often see me as this silly laughing girl who doesn't have a care in the world BUT fortunately for me...my gal pals are convinced that I deserve the best caring and loving that this world can offer. Ain't I soooo lucky?

While you were not looking...an old friend showed up surprisingly. When the girls and I were "in a meeting" the other day, Jako, Charo's boyfriend and one of our bestest guy friends from highshool, gave one of the best advices ever. When we were all dishing and analyzing my several screw-ups, Jako told us that in order for me to put a semblance back into my life I need to have "something". I cannot discuss right now what that "something" Jako suggested. That idea was broached to me so many times before but I believe that it was not an option before. There were opportunities for that "something" but it was not in my priority then. It was not in my book. I began to think about it again and re-evaluated. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that it can actually can/may work. Surprisingly, the opportunity to have that "something" came less than 24 hours after through an SMS sent by my old friend from Assumption. Let's just say that thanks to that SMS my Sunday was brighter and happier than expected.

Truly everything happens for a reason. I could have gone to Baguio and had my escapist's dream OR I can be thankful to the nice doze of reality weekend I just had. Yeah, it's not SO ideal...but it's THE PRESENT. It's where I am, where I should be, and where I should stay.

So many things truly happened while you were not looking.

"I fell madly and deeply in love with someone!"

The above words kept on ringing in my ears and it doesn't go away. I hear it before I sleep, after I wake up, while answering work e-mails, during meetings, while driving, while eating...it's freakin' everywhere! WHY, ME???

He wanted a friend and I became one. I was able to ease a big load off his chest. I was able to make him a whole lot lighter - as he told me. Unfortunately, his misery transferred to me. I absorbed it all. I am now in a deeper shit than ever. This is something unexpected and uncalled for. I prepared and anticipated a lot of things in our lives (even our numerous break-ups) but hearing that he's DEEPLY in love with somebody else and I should be "a friend" about it is definitely not one of them. He's pathetic crazy BUT I am pathetically crazier. I allowed it all to happen to me. I assured him that I'll be a friend and not an ex about it so I really cannot even blame him about it.

BUT here's something I can blame him: I also wanted a friend right now but where is he? All I wanted is to hear from him. A mere text or e-mail can go a long way. I feel so cheated, used and violated. He doesn't even have the decency to treat me right as a friend. Does he really think that I am unaffected with everything he said? I know that I gave the impression that I am "okay" about it but does he really really think that I am NOT hurt about it? I want to hate him the way my friends are all hating him, I want to name him names...BUT I can't!!! There is still a huge ounce of me that hopes, that cares, that loves him. It doesn't want to go away!

Why can't it be simpler? Why can't I just freely move on and be unaffected? Life can be easier for us. He could've fallen in love with someone who's 100% single and be happy about it, right? Why does he have to drag me into the picture? Why does he have to kiss me hoping that magic and spark will be ours again so that it will be simpler for him?

Why does he always need catching? AND WHY do I have to be the one who always have do it?

Hopefully he will regret all of these in the future and realized how much he wronged me. I know he would. I just know he would. If not...then he's really the cold-hearted and insensitive bastard whom I love so much. :(